Granted, these were the days before the internet and GameStop but a fully functioning NES in its heyday with two controllers, The Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Bros., Metroid, and Gyromite including R.O.B., could and should have gone for a lot more, although I’m glad that it didn’t.
Before long, I was obsessed. I memorized maps, I remembered enemy patterns, I bombed every square inch of Hyrule and Zebes, stomped on every goomba in the Mushroom Kingdom, scoured every corner, and hunted down every last hidden room and secret item. However, the reality of my situation was that I was stuck with the games currently in my possession without a way nor means to fuel my obsession. Borrowing and renting games were options but not very consistent or convenient ones and trading games was a thing of the distant future.
As a result, my obsession cooled into something more akin to passion which was far healthier and much more manageable. As time passed and I learned about the wonders of washing cars and mowing lawns for money, I was able to fund myself with a SNES and, four years later various fast food jobs provided an N64.
This pattern has continued to the present day where my Wii, PS3 and Xbox 360 can attest that I’m as much of a gamer as I’ve ever been. Over the years, video games have been a constant in my life: nursing me through the flu, comforting me after a break up, or just providing an escape from reality for a few enjoyable hours.
And then I recently discovered that my beautiful wife doesn’t really like video games. Not really at all, actually. Something like hate is probably closer to the mark.
I mean, sure, every once in a while we’d fight about video games but not very frequently or furiously. She would joke about throwing my stuff away while I was at work, I would mock-threaten divorce and we’d go about our lives. Typical, you say. End of story, right? Well, maybe not.
So what’s a game-loving guy to do? The easy answer is that I sell the games on Craigslist and I stop worrying about saving digital princesses, focusing all of my energy on my relationship with my wife instead. But that’s not really a very good answer. It sounds great on paper but everybody needs hobbies and alone time. I don’t know a single couple that spends every minute of every hour together and those that do tend to be the kind of people that get divorced over one of them stubbing their toe.
My defensive and argumentative side kicked in long enough for me to wonder why I had to do anything at all. I didn’t and don’t begrudge her the things that she likes that I don’t. I’m not asking her to give up Project Runway or Twilight. Granted, she doesn’t actually watch anything alone all that often and Twilight stuff takes up about ten hours and $10 annually, but still. It’s the principle of the thing, isn’t it? This is about the point where I realized how asinine this line of thinking was and abandoned it.
But while this could become a real and uncomfortable problem, there had to be some kind of middle-of-the-road solution. Love me or hate me for it, I’m an American and if any group of people collectively believe that you truly can have it all, it’s Americans. So, I repeat, what’s a game-loving guy to do?
Well, I decided to ask the experts. After all, I couldn’t possibly have the only relationship in the world struggling with this issue. So I did a little research, made some calls and very easily found a few people that were eager, almost excited, to help. Each of them approached the problem differently and, while a lot of their advice is common sense, some of it may surprise you.
Ready to dive into your psyche? I know I am. So with no further ado and, as with everything in else in life, ladies first!
Why she hates it:
According to Dr. Mark Burton, many wives and girlfriends find games threatening because they take time away from the relationship.
Approaching the problem from a different angle, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and relationship expert Julie Hanks says that fights about games are commonly based around the fear that games matter more to you than your significant other.
On a separate note, Dr. Steven Jones counsels that intense game playing can lead the gamer’s partner to question their worth as a participant in the relationship.
Like any other issue, the road to resolution is dependent upon understanding the other side. Except for the total jerks among our ranks (trust me, there’s a few) I doubt any of us are intentionally trying to hurt our partners’ feelings or make them feel unappreciated, undervalued, inadequate or isolated. But intentionally or not, sometimes that’s what happens. So how do you fix it? Well, first you have to understand why you do it in the first place.
Why you do it:
Dr. Jones (no, not that Dr. Jones!) says that, basically, you do it because it feels good.
Ms. Hanks concedes that there are many reasons you get your game on, including male bonding and just straight up stubbornness.
Dr. Burton, on the other hand, breaks down the reasons that men continue to game into three categories and, if you’re sensitive about your gaming habits consider this a warning, he’s pretty tough.
Ouch! Too harsh? Maybe. Or is it just that the truth is a bitter pill to swallow? Are you a pleasure junkie or do you just hate having a bit in your mouth? Do you crave that boy’s club companionship or do you just need to zone out and relax? Regardless, only you really know the justification for your gaming habits (if you even feel you need any) and your capacity for intimacy. Whatever the case may be, there’s are ways to make gaming a non-issue and to ensure that your hobby and your relationship can peacefully coexist.
How to make it a non-issue:
Okay, now that our grievances have been more or less aired it should be abundantly clear that there is no magical cure-all solution. Sometimes your gaming habits are going to interfere with your relationship and probably in ways that you haven’t even really thought about before now. That’s the bad news. The good news is that it’s not a “one or the other” type of problem. You can keep your girlfriend and your PS3. It might take some work but, hey, compromising to solve a problem shouldn’t be anything new to you at this point in your life. Below are six simple rules to keep both the girl and your gamerscore.
Set gaming time limits together and stick to them.
Listen to your partner’s complaints.
Share with your partner what you love about gaming.
“Most women do not care if you have interest outside of the relationship and usually they prefer someone who is passionate about something,” Dr. Jones said. “But if you become so unresponsive that you no longer greet them they will resent whatever activities you may be involved in. So if you want to enjoy your games than be responsive to her. Be prepared to turn off the game and talk about the day and be genuinely interested. Tell her about your life and even the games.”
“The most important thing is for the couple to be able to have a good dialogue,” Dr. Burton said. “Each should listen to the other with empathy and validation. Try to see the issue from the other person’s point of view. Once the couple has done that, they are generally able to find a solution that works for both.”
Spend more face-to-face time together.
Find games that you can play together.
“Make sure that you are enjoying other kinds leisure activities with your spouse,” Ms. Hanks said. “Take a walk together, have regular date nights, enjoy social activities that don’t include technology in order to reassure your spouse that she is treasured by you and keep the relationship close and connected.”
- Remember, you’re an adult now.
Conclusion:
“Master the game but do not let it master you,” Dr. Jones said. “Addiction is a real thing. If you are out of control and unable to get other important thing done such as school work, work, getting a job, or even things around the home, your partner may blame the video games and this can cause resentment. So be smart and like the beer commercials say, use this product ‘responsibly.’”
While the prevailing perception is that gamers are either foul-mouthed 14 year-old delinquents or antisocial 30-something basement dwellers, the truth is that most up-and-coming husbands and fathers in this day and age know about and occasionally like to play video games. Unfortunately, rightly or wrongly, gaming is a different beast than most hobbies. It’s expensive, time-consuming and largely exclusionary. But it doesn’t have to be alienating.
As an added bonus, the beauty of these rules is that they can be applied to almost any relationship in your life. You can use them with your wife or girlfriend just as easily as you can with your parents or children. Follow these six simple steps and your relationship is bound to improve, even - maybe especially - if you didn’t think there were any problems to begin with.
